Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
so today was terrible. so i am one to place blame but i gaurd myself here. not that anyone reads this.. .. iunno so i bombed my hebrew test today and cried. i dont cry over school but i did. i study for about 12 hours. some of them more quality than others. i did my groups pretest and worked really hard, i believe it could be perfect. right before the test i began to obsorb stress of the people aroudn me. i got stumped on the test and then just gave up. i finished as much as i could but relaly. no i didnt terrible. i dont want to fail but thats all i had to give. it sucks. so i want to go shopping. its rediculous how this intense desire kicks in just as soon as i am upset. but i am working till six and then again at 8. i geuss icould go tomarrow but i might just run over to hamilton place for an hour, i feel loved. iunno i wish i cared more about my relaiton ship with god i know i can have more of him and i want it but its discouraging to go this long with out intamacey with him. iunno i think i have a deep infection of the soul so deep i can barely see it but at times i recognize it... i see i am broken. but do i need to be fixed to be with God. right? so here i am longing everyhting but him and needing a friend.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
so its been 2 years. as of oct29th. we are basically an old married couple.
wowzers. so i tried to get on here like a week ago to write. iunno one of those moods right? well i cant remember my dang password for the life of me. its one unlike all my others which all resemble each other in some way.... oops. so i have to have them email it to me. well then i cant remember which email i used. i end up getting my OLD old old AOL account to work. so i check sure enough i got an email. i click the link. and low and behold i had a blog my junior year of high school. ha! i found it on here. its crazy to read about my life then. my dad was cheating on my mom and never home. i randomly dated this guy 2 years younger then me. i was partying all the time and best of all there is an account of when i met my husband. it makes me so happy. iunno God has healed alot in this heart and i am def. a transformed person. i was miserable then and always looking for somethign better to come along, for some attention, for some love. and i couldnt find it anywhere. i knew i had some dark times but its just so wierd to read what i had to say about my life while i was in the moment of discontent..... maybe someday ill post somehting from there on here!?
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Thursday, October 4, 2007
so i have decided i need a hair cut. bad. not just a cut or a trim, i mean like like 100 bucks worth it cut. studying hebrew sucks i have alot to learn between today and tomarrow. my dad is free. and well hopefully things are really truely over like never do it again kinda stuff. this is what i look like when i am happy, and feeling fresh. right now i feel unstatisfied and confused. booo.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
mmm. what a beautiful day. my stomach is growling, but i just finished my DOCTORINE 1 exam so i am feeling fresh. i skipped hebrew today and that is going to kill me i have to study for years tonight. yeah. here i am already with nothing to write. all the things i want to write i dont want you to read. life at home in louisville is chaos and my dad is always telling stories, its like i will never know him. have you ever seen the movie Big Fish, its about a guy whose father is dying and all his life his dad has told him fabulous stories about his life but they are too out landish to be true. so he goes on a hunt to find out who his dad really is. this is my dad. i know some things about his past that i trust to be true, but everything else is a web of lies, just piled up over years. to protect me maybe, but i think its an adiction, he cant help himself and if you confront him he just denies everything. bah its so frustrating... so its one part of my life i am allowed to be apathetic, and issue i have delt with greatly. BUT i feel it is no use to rawl him up with confrontation, instead i just love on him, listen to his stories through the phone and quietly shake my head. my children await at fairy land. i must retrieve them.
oh yes this is my sister... i love her dearly. really she is fabulous!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
So here i am, its been years since i have "blogged" and right now i want more then anything to just complain to this. but no. i am more focused on no studying and wasting time. the feeling of betrayle is all over me. thick. and i love processing my thoughts outloud in silence. its like i am screaming to this whole library. shit. i am pissed off. but no... i am just relieved to write it here and then smile on at my fellow students. bah. i am sure i will post alot and thn forget about this thing. eventually deleting it. oh yeah its nice out today... and i am inside.